


What Is This Thing That Builds Our Dreams

by sherlakur



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6655138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlakur/pseuds/sherlakur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life in Erebor is not exactly easy for Bilbo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Is This Thing That Builds Our Dreams

When Bilbo wakes up to the ever-same nightmare, he really tries.

He lies in bed, waiting for his breathing to calm down and his body to _stop trembling_ , and tries to recall the good moments with Thorin. Or more precisely, he tries to remember Thorin at his good moments.

But the more he clings to those memories, the more he feels like falling all over again.

-

Bilbo has seen enough of the world to serve the whole population of the shire, and if he died right now he could – despite the 50 years spent in Hobbiton – say to have lived an eventful life.

That is why Bilbo thinks it is odd, that he feels like he has never seen anything beyond those cold grey stone walls.

-

No matter how hard he tries to convince himself of how ridiculous it is, he still awakes every night with his throat aching painfully from a hand that has not actually lain there. Not since that once, at least. 

Sometimes, when it is really bad and he knows that he is close to a full-fledged panic attack, he slips out from between the sheets, quietly walks to his jacket resting on the chair and pulls out the Ring. The cool metal in his palm immediately calms his nerves and replaces the turmoil inside of him with the strange fascination the golden band never fails to evoke.

A voice at the back of his head wonders how a ring can possibly take up so much space in his mind, but Bilbo shoves the voice away because the Ring doesn’t do any harm, does it? It doesn’t do any harm. And he needs it, oh does he need it.

-

Thorin and Bilbo see each other almost every day. Sometimes only in passing, or shortly when they eat with the company. But they see each other, and they share looks and smiles and Bilbo's heart is pounding against his chest and he while he mostly feels stupid about pining for Thorin (he would laugh about it himself if someone told him that story, a  _Hobbit_ , falling in love with a  _Dwarven King_? Hilarious.) in those moments, he doesn't feel so at all.

He hides his smile faltering when his heart is gripped by the panic that overcomes him every night when he dreams of falling, falling, falling,

 -

Bilbo cuts his own hair with a scissor because it's grown long again. It ends up being uneven and Bilbo can't stand looking at it, but it doesn't matter, he thinks, because to the dwarves he looks hideous anyway.

-

Thorin visits him one night, and Bilbo instantly notices the tension in his shoulders and the nervousness conveyed by his every move.  Just when he is about to ask what's the matter, however, Thorin stops his pacing in front of him and looks insecurely to the ground."Bilbo..." He gets to his feet, cups Thorin's jaw and it is  _so easy_.

Running his fingers through Thorin's thick hair, Bilbo doesn't think of Thorin's cold eyes on his face or his iron grip on his throat and for the first time in a very long time,  _breathes._  

-

Bilbo can't stifle a giggle as Thorin nuzzles his neck and his beard scratches the sensitive skin there. "What?," Thorin asks with a half-hearted scowl that Bilbo can't help but find rather endearing. "Nothing just.." he lets out another fit of giggles, "Your beard tickles." The dwarf rolls his eyes good-naturedly and Bilbo's grin widens as he detects the faint blush underneath. "You are lucky my beard is so short,  _Hobbit._ " A moment later his stomach is attacked by two Dwarven hands and as they fall onto the bed laughing at the ensuing tickle-fight, Bilbo feels more at home in Erebor than he ever has. 

-

Bilbo knows Thorin has been struggling with finding into his new role as king. No matter what his blood says, Thorin has spent a good part of his life as a blacksmith and even his later position in the Blue Mountains was nothing compared to ruling the kingdom of  _Erebor_ _._ There were a great deal of powerful Dwarves from the Iron Hills still questioning his ability to reign the reclaimed mountain and Bilbo knows that Thorin suffers from the pressure put upon him by the high expectations and the countless number of decisions that have to be made and he looks worn out and exhausted more often than not. 

So when the first rumours come up that the king takes  _that Hobbit_ to bed, Bilbo understands that Thorin is upset. Of course he understands, and he doesn't mind keeping away from Thorin in public and isn't disappointed when he doesn't talk to him for more than a week. And when the nightmares return and he curls up into a tight ball of dread at night, that has nothing to do with that whatsoever. 

-

Dwalin is the only one who knows. Bilbo is quite sure that the rest of the company suspects it, but Dwalin knows because he came into Thorin's room once while they were kissing. Thorin told him to keep his mouth shut about it, naturally. 

When he sits down with Bilbo at one point, it's not surprising. "You know," he tells him, and his voice is almost grave, "if you were a Dwarf, he would have married you ages ago." Bilbo doesn't ask how he knows.

-

Bilbo sits on a rock at the outside of the mountain and lets his eyes roam over the surroundings. Here in Erebor, he is so much closer to the ongoings in Middle Earth than he was in the Shire, but at the moment he feels more isolated and insignificant than he ever before. His mind wanders to the Mirkwood elves and he wonders how Tauriel is doing. He also wonders about Thranduil and Legolas. About Bard and Beorn. 

He does not wonder who the Dwarf woman was who Thorin demonstratively kept next to him today. 

He is so very, very tired.

-

Thorin comes back eventually, but the nightmares stay. 

-

Dwarves are made of stone. Well, they aren't  _now._ But originally, they were carved from the very material they like to spend most of their time in. He's never given it much thought before, but as he watches Thorin on his throne, his posture firm and his eyes stern, he looks so unyielding and angular that Bilbo can see the the truth in that tale for the first time. 

He thinks of Hobbits then, how they grow up on meadows and fields with the blue sky above their heads, surrounded by the scents and colours of hundreds of flowers.

Bilbo reckons that maybe, it just wasn't supposed to work. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this shortly after Botfa but never came around to finishing it. So now I found it on my cloud and decided to post it because looking at it now, this is as good a point to end it as any. English is not my first language. Corrections of any mistakes, constructive criticism and of course comments in general are more than welcome.  
> Title taken from the song "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen.


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